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The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 101 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 4 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 13 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, it's been a very long time since I worked with you guys in the 2011 Muppets movie." Scooter: "You know what they say, it brings back the memories." Cut to Kermit appearing right through The All-New Muppet Show logo...... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Jason Segel, yaaaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Band Playing Theme Music Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational, this is what we call the All-New Muppet Show...... Gonzo: Reveille On Bugle Scene 1: Onstage/the opening musical number Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome to The All-New Muppet Show, that's right, tonight's a very exciting night for the very 1st show tonight, 'cause tonight's special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he played the part of Gary Jones in our 2011 Muppets movie, but 1st, it's time for the opening musical number." Beauregard: "Hey, you guys, just for you to know, there's a toy wind-up robot in the hallway, and we'd better be very careful not to let it run away." Kermit: "Oh thanks for telling us that, Beauregard, but anyway, here's the opening musical number." Opening Musical Number: The Macarena (performed by Miss Piggy and the flamingos) Playing In Background Manola and Carlo: AAAHAA, AAAHAA, AAAHAA Continues Playing In Background Miss Piggy: When I dance, they call me Macarena and the boys, they say que soy buena they all want me, they can't have me so they all come and dance beside me move with me, chat with me and if your good, I'll take you home with me move with me, chat with me and if your good, I'll let you dance with me Manola and Carlo: dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA Miss Piggy: now don't you worry about my boyfriend, the boy whose name is Kermitino I don't want him, couldn't stand him he was no good, so I (spoken) "Now come on, what was I suppose to do? he was out of town, and his 2 friends were so fine." Manola and Carlo: dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA AAAHAA AAAHAA AAAHAA AAAHAA Miss Piggy: come find me, my name is Macarena always at the party con las chicas que estan buenas come join me, dance with me and all you fellas chat along with me Manola and Carlo: dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena heeeeey Macarena AAAHAA! Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "So have you ever done the Macarena before?" Statler: "No, but I did the Locomotion before in my entire life." Waldorf: "Long live the king of disco music!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Muppet News Flash: Angry 12 year olds attacking Muppet Studios with boomerangs Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: This just in, angry 12 year olds are attacking Muppet Studios with their boomerangs of terror." Blue Whatnot/angry 12 year old: "Chaaaaaaaaarge!" Purple Whatnot/angry 12 year old: "Here come the boomerangs of terror!" They begin throwing the boomerangs of terror, which causes the Newsman to duck his head down on his desk. Newsman: "There's absolutely nothing to worry about." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever thrown a boomerang before?" Statler: "No, Waldorf, but I've thrown a Frisbee in the park before in my entire life." Waldorf: "Sport-a-riffic!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list) oh, Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Spring Shoes Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our newest invention: Spring Shoes, (brief pause), now these sneakers can really put a spring in your step, they'll be able to help you jump right up into mid-air and get things from those hard to reach places, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker here, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to Beaker) go ahead, Beaker, try them on." Beaker tries on the Spring Shoes. Beaker: Mee, mee! Bunsen: "Watch what happens." Beaker begins jumping up and down, then suddenly hits the roof. Crash! Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, when are you ever gonna get down from there?" Beaker: Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Talk Spot: Kermit and Scooter thank the Guest Star for everything he's done to help them get back together again Kermit: "Hey, uh, (Guest Star's 1st Name)? we'd like to thank you for everything you've done to help all of us get back together again." Scooter: "We couldn't have done it without you here." Guest Star: "I know, you guys, it's been super thrilling working with all of you in that movie back in 2011." Jason Segal Muppet Caricature: "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't exist." Walter shows up and approaches Kermit, Scooter and the Guest Star...... Walter: "Oh my gosh, Gary, hey, what's happening, buddy? how's it going?" Guest Star: "Pretty good, Walter, but I think you're confusing me with the character that I played in the 2011 Muppets movie." Walter: "Oh sorry about that, (Guest Star's 1st Name), I didn't know about that." Guest Star: "That's alright, Walter, mistakes would sometimes happen." Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next onstage, everybody." Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama: Interviewing the Guest Star Johnny: "Good evening, everybody, I'm Johnny Fiama, and this is my good monkey friend and sidekick, Sal Minella." Sal Minella: "Nice to meet you here." Johnny: "Tonight, Sal and I are interviewing our very best celebrity guest: (Guest Star's Name)." Guest Star: "Hey, thanks for having me on your talk show tonight, Johnny." Johnny: "Oh it's nothing really, (Guest Star's 1st Name), tell me about yourself." Guest Star: "Well, I like riding my grownup size 3 wheeled bike around the neighborhood streets, exercising on the stationary bike and treadmill and I like playing the classic Gamecube game: Muppets Party Cruise on the Nintendo Wii." Johnny: "Well, you must be 1 lucky man to know about, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for tonight, show join us next time for the next interview." Pigs in Space sketch number: Bees and Wasps Smoker 300 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy, and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Well, today's gonna be an oridnary day ahead of us." Link Hogthrob: "And it looks like Dr. Strangepork has come up with a new invention." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, check out my new invention: the official Bees and Wasps Smoker 300." Link Hogthrob: "How super thrilling." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How does it work, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "When there's a swarm of wild bees or wasps buzzing around and they just won't go away, just push the red button here, and it smokes them away." Link Hogthrob: "Hey look, there's a swarm of wild wasps buzzing around!" Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody!" Dr. Strangepork smokes the wild wasps away. Dr. Strangepork: "The Swine Trek is now safe and secure." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob stay on task? does 1st Mate Piggy know what she's up to? will Dr. Strangepork ever keep his inventions turned off to save batteries? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once worked as a bee keeper in my entire life." Statler: "What did you ever do to avoid getting stung by those wild bees?" Waldorf: "Protective anti-sting gear." Statler: "Then that means you probably made those real good honey sticks." Waldorf: "Real sweet and tasty!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Floyd as the patient Announcer: “And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who’s gone to the dogs.” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “And so when I was takin’ a nice long walk on the beach, I looked between 2 big rocks and I found the biggest clam shell and thought it would make a real nifty music box.” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your clam jokes.” Janice/Nurse Janice: “So, Dr. Bob, who’s our patient this time?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Behold, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, observe and watch.” Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Floyd as the patient. Floyd: A Bit “Why did I ever get these ill conditions?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Hey, what happened to you here?” Floyd: “Well, I was dustin’ the shelves at my house, and suddenly, I began developin’ these cough and sneeze attacks.” Janice/Nurse Janice: “Oh bummer, that’s not a good situation.” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “What you need to do is take plenty of liquids and pills and a lot of bed rest.” Floyd: “Easy for you to say.” Announcer: “Will Nurse Janice ever keep control with every single patient? does Nurse Piggy know what she’s doing? will Dr. Bob ever use his Dr. tools properly? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “So, Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Well, Nurse Piggy, I say he’s very nauseated.” Cut back to Kermit onstage......... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's the Electric Mayhem band to perform the closing musical number." Closing Musical number: Born to run [Electric Mayhem Band Playing Born To Run] Dr. Teeth: In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream at night we ride through the mansions of glory in suicide machines sprung from cages out on highway 9, Chrome wheeled, fuel injected, and steppin' out over the line H-Oh, baby this town rips the bones from your back '' Zoot: ''it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap We gotta get out while we're young `Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run Yes, girl we were Floyd: Wendy let me in, I wanna be your friend I wanna guard your dreams and visions '' ''just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims and strap your hands 'cross my engines Janice: together we could break this trap we'll run 'til we drop, baby we'll never go back h-oh, will you walk with me out on the wire 'cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider but I gotta know how it feels I wanna know if love is wild babe I wanna know if love is real Oh, can you show me Dr. Teeth: beyond the Palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard g'''''irls comb their hair in rearview mirrors and the boys try to look so hard the amusement park rises bold and stark '' ''kids are huddled on the beach in a mist I wanna die with you, Wendy on the street tonight in an everlasting kiss Animal: "1, 2, 3, 4!" Floyd: the highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive everybody's out on the run tonight but there's no place left to hide together, Wendy we can live with the sadness I'll love you with all the madness in my soul h-oh someday, girl, I don't know when we're gonna get to that place where we really wanna go '' Dr. Teeth: ''and we'll walk in the sun but 'til then tramps like us, baby, we were born to run Janice: oh, honey, tramps like us, baby, we were born to run Zoot: come on with me, tramps like us, baby we were born to run...... Stops Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again...... Waldorf: "Well, Statler, this song reminds me of the time we stayed overnight in a hotel at the beach once." Statler: "What did we ever do at that beach?" Waldorf: "Fishing and crab hunting." Statler: "That make you the lucky man on earth." Waldorf: "Lucky number 12!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/Welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, for being here tonight, it's been such a lovely evening for you and me and everybody, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name ), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage........ Guest Star : "Thanks a bunch for having me on the show with you guys tonight, it's been such a thrilled honor being here with all of you." Fozzie arrives onstage........ Fozzie: "Hey, you guys, I'm ready for my comedy act right now." Kermit: "Hey, uh, Fozzie? we're terribly sorry to break this up to you, but we had to cancel your comedy act in place of the Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama sketch number." Fozzie: "Oh well, easy come, easy goes." Kermit: "I don't believe this, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." End Production Credits Directed by James Bobin Produced by Nicholas Stollar Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers End Credits Matt Vogel Peter Linz Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta David Rudman Louise Gold Stephanie D'Abruzzo Alice Dinnean Vernon Tyler Bunch Raymond Carr Ryan Dillon Brian Henson Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more....... Waldorf: "So, Statler, are you ready to go camping at Camp Oz-Hunt?" Statler: "I sure am, I'm ready to get outta this place." Waldorf: "Camp it off!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once More Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts